Alternatively: A bozo’s journey from hate to sanity.
Sit down next to Meemaw and let me tell you a story about growth and cringe.
villain origin story
I grew up in a pretty Christian and conservative part of the United States and it was very taboo to talk about, let alone express interest in anything associated with “that gay shit”: referring to Commies and related sad sacks. So a handful of years ago, being the rebellious high schooler that I was (I even dyed my hair black, so people would know I was cool and educated), I began to look into KARL… mothereffing…MARX…
As I thumbed through my pirated PDF of The Communist Manifesto on my $1,000 laptop (eat the rich moment) and furrowed my brow, I am confronted with the reality that my parents would never accept me and my newfound (and totally actualized) proletarian loyalty. They could never understand how a white girl like me could ride so hard for the working class. Did I mention I even dyed my hair black so people knew not to mess with me or my comrades? (I had like four friends)…
By day I was like the charismatic but reserved Bruce Wayne (high school basketball cheerleader) but by night I was reading literature and listening to punk music that talked about the redistribution of wealth and how poor people didn’t deserve to die (now I’m the Joker).
And at this point, I was pretty sure I was the only one who has ever felt this level of class conscious conviction in their entire life. No one was going to stop me from realizing my power as the only true Marxist in the entire Southeastern United States; except for my crippling fear of confrontation and profuse sweating when caught off guard or put on the spot in any circumstance ever.
reaching enlightenment (I am so stupid)
I continue down this path of learning the core tenets of Marxist thought, consulting Reddit and putting my social and educational life in the hands of genius-IQ Tiktok political influencers. Did I mention that I write in cursive???????? And yes, it was as bad as it seems. I really hate thinking about this period of my life but it is real and I must face my demons.
On a very real note, I made enemies during this time. Pushing away friends and family, isolating myself from everyone who didn’t self-identify as a super leftie, and probably saying some cruel and unfair things to people who didn’t deserve it. I say “probably” because my memory has literally blacked out a lot of the things I said and did from this period of my life because it makes me want to die thinking about it. Echo chambers are real and they are terrifying. Once you are inside, there is very little you can do (or will want to do) to escape. The sweet, sweet validation from your “in-group” will oftentimes override any doubts you may have about the beliefs you are promoting.
During this time of my life (ages 16ish-20ish) I was actively and knowingly avoidant of anything that challenged my beliefs, that went against the sort of in-group I had found myself in.
(edit: I did not, have never, and would not do this, lmao)
I knew what I was doing was wrong. There were many days I didn’t know why I was supporting the thing I was supporting.
But that’s the thing. It doesn’t matter what you’re supporting. It only matters that you can call yourself a part of the group. It only matters if you look like them, talk like them, think like them; and if you don’t look like them, your appearance must be aesthetically pleasing and admissible based on whatever arbitrary rules exist in that community)
exodus 4:20 blaze it
I understand this is not some galaxy-brain take, but it’s rare to see (especially online) someone admit to being downright insufferable and hearing about how they escaped whatever hellscape political echo-chamber they were in.
There is some insidious belief in our society [we live in a society] that once you make a statement or take a position that you are never allowed to backtrack on said position ever and if you do you deserve to get doxxed, tarred, and feathered in the public square (yesssss the Third Place!!!).
I suppose what I have learned during my political identity journey in my short stint here on earth is that validation is not what one should be seeking. Validation is blood in the water to a person who is politically, spiritually, morally wandering.
I have learned, and am still learning, to simply be more skeptical.
Why does this [insert any “in”-group] feel so good to me? Do I believe in what they say or how what they are saying makes me feel about myself? How do you distinguish between these two feelings?
Removing the self from political identity has made me a more conscious consumer of media, messaging, and speech. Taking a more objective, less egocentric approach to the consumption of modern politics has changed me for the better, I believe. Certainly, it is still a process each day; but I think there is something to be said about questioning whether I believe in a certain political stance, or whether it just makes you appear a certain way to the public.
I also understand the argument that politics are inherently personal, and I would agree. Political decisions and those we choose to elect have the ability to end people’s lives. It really is that serious. I am in no way advocating for all of us to be apolitical and uncaring about the outcome of our choices, or lack thereof. But I believe it is in politics’ very weight and influence that is precisely why we should look inward much more than a lot of us do currently.
Did I support the Communist party and Marxist political philosophy because I believed in what they were actually proposing? In some ways yes, in many ways no. The appeal of Communism and Marxist thought when I was younger was in its taboo nature. It was not talked about, and if it was, it was talked about negatively.
I am also certain that this happens in other corners of the US. Young men and women choosing American Conservatism in place of a more common, left-wing ideology because it is “edgy” and different, lol.
Often, a political philosophy carries so much weight and influence in the image and status that it presents to the world, rather than the content of its messaging. And this is something that I am struggling with recognizing to this day, and will probably struggle with for my entire life.
I like to use Marxist thought and American Conservative thought as examples to illustrate my point, because they are always very top of mind for me.
Marxism brings forth a sense of vindication in its supporters. Because who wouldn’t want to be a part of the revolutionary proletariat? They get to be the martyrs (just wait, it goes both ways). They get to be the suffering heroes. Marxists get to be the marginalized, repressed, struggling outcasts. They get the intellectually lofty identity. They get to look down upon those who don’t see what they see with their enlightened, forward-thinking eyes. They have some foresight that others do not as to how things should be, how things have been.
American Conservatism brings forth a sense of vindication in its supporters. Because who wouldn’t want to be a part of the group preserving traditional American values and morality? They get to be the martyrs (I said it goes both ways). They get to be the suffering heroes. Conservatives get to be the marginalized, repressed, struggling outcasts. They get the intellectual lofty identity. They get to look down upon those who don’t see what they see with their enlightened, forward-thinking eyes. They have some foresight that others do not as to how things should be, how things have been.
From my perspective and experience being in a very far-from-center political group, this is just what I have gathered over my years of observation and self-reflection. I circle back to my earlier point that validation is not something to be sought after.
Learning about politics, philosophy, etc. should not be contingent on finding the theory or system that makes you feel good.
This is what I did for a long time. I felt good in my identity as a “Marxist” because it was completely self-serving. It was so I could say I was a “Marxist”, so I could feel intellectually superior. So I didn’t have to be challenged. Complacency is what turned me into a hateful, unchanging political tool. Because at the end of the day, these extremist political groups don’t care about you, they care about furthering their message. Don’t let some group of freaks use you as a pawn in whatever game they’re playing.
I could literally write about this forever, but I suppose here is a good place to end it. This is just my own bullshit opinion. Maybe I’ll look back at this in a few years and cringe. But that’s okay! Cringe is necessary for growth. You, my dear reader, may not agree with anything I wrote here, but that is also okay. I am just happy you’re here.
thanks for reading 🙂
turning the paige 