(daily writing prompt mini-post)
I hate being asked what I do for a living. I work in childcare (daycare center) which brings me a sense of shame. It shouldn’t be shameful… it’s not shameful. Working with children is probably the hardest thing I have ever done, and I really have so much pride in what I do.
But for some reason there is a weird line I’ve been straddling between feeling proud of what I do and feeling a sense of shame about it. And I hate that I feel this way. I detest it precisely because that is what [the powers that be] want me to feel. They want me to be the desk-sitter, the pencil pusher, el jefa.
But some idiotic little part of my brain tells me I should be doing more. Whatever “more” means. Sitting at some desk making more money? Growing my wealth while others suffer beneath me? That seems to be all the rage nowadays (and always); the mark of success.
I understand what I do makes people’s lives easier, I understand the positive impact we have on families, I understand that we allow parents to go to work and provide for their families and have peace of mind that their children are being cared for and loved on. We teach the children so much, they learn so much every day.
I’m aware this is an insecurity thing. I know this is me doubting my intellect, my life choices, doubting my path, worrying too much about how people will see me. If some dork will think less of me because I come home with $20/hr and snot on my clothes instead of stories of how my board meeting went earlier.
I know this, and it is something I literally struggle with every single day. I wish I were confident enough in myself to be okay with where I am, but perhaps that will come with more life experience and growth. But I try each day, and that is what matters.
It is hard to feel insecure about your job, especially when your tiny clients are so fucking cute you just want to hug them and never let go 🙂
turning the paige 